What's Going On?

Ben Fogle, Part One

2008-02-21T18:28:00.005Z

To Ben Fogle's agent, I wrote-

Dear Hilary

My Fiancee and I are both great fans of Ben Fogle's, and would be delighted and honoured if he'd consider being a guest at our wedding, which is to be held in Oxfordshire this coming August.

We look forward to hearing from you

Best wishes

Mark Lewis and Laura Cox

From Ben Fogle's agent, I recieved-

Thanks so much for the invite.

Ben will have to decline, but wishes you well.

BW

Hilary

Hm. This isn't over.

THE GREATEST BAND OF ALL TIME.

2007-12-31T01:09:00.000Z

I'm opening up my blog again for one post only, because the greatest and best band in the history of music has emerged from nowhere and you NEED TO HEAR THEM NOW. Tell your mother, tell all your friends, tell them to tell ALL THEIR FRIENDS- 2008 and the future forever belongs to these guys.

The clip is a bit long, but please stick with it- you'll thank me afterwards. In fact, leave your thanks in the comments section below, please.

"There is nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come".

Barry Twotter and the Deaf Tree Sparrows.

2007-07-17T21:48:00.000+01:00

Being a sour, joyless old cunt I have no intention of reading the new Harry Potter book. It's about a school for young wizards, ergo it's for kids. If there was no latent adult embarrassment to be found in reading it then it wouldn't come with the "adult" cover option- the cover could feature a nekkid Hustler model with a magic wand up her fanny, it'd still be a Harry Potter novel and you'd still be an emotional retard for reading one over the age of twelve.

SO. Here's the final novel's epilogue, a week or so before release date. Go on, treat yourself:

One. Two. Three. Four.

While we're at it, all the spoilers you'd need to not have to read the rest of it are here- get yourself a nice bit of adult fiction instead (cough- cough). You'll sleep easier, and there's no hassle with choosing the right cover.

Creepy Eeriness.

2007-07-09T19:33:00.000+01:00

Can't believe I haven't posted this yet- the dearth of new material here can be blamed squarely on Facebook, the funnest and most excellent social utility around. Go on, join if you haven't already. It knocks MyTwats into a cocked hat, let me tell you.

Anyway, what it is right is that last Thursday I received a letter all the way from Pasadena, California. A hand-mailed, stamped envelope with a yank postcode, with my full name and address hand-written on the front.

And I have no fucking clue who it's from.

Obviously I've scanned it for your perusal. Check out the lunacy:

Envelope (front). Envelope (back). And, the main event- The Document. I've 'shopped out my name from the top-left corner of the letter, and my address from the front of the envelope, obviously.

It uses the same sort of language as a sham psychic trying to cold-read a punter; vague references to my job, to Christmas, to my love-life and so on, but the back-story... this letter has a plot- the bit about Rick "assisting some of us with the letter writing"... what the fuck is that supposed to mean? I feel like I've been sent the jumping-off point to some weird-ass ARG which I didn't sign up for. Maybe it's some viral marketing campaign, but I never give my real address (or my real name, for that matter) to anyone asking for it, so what the fuck? The return address on the envelope is a PO box, which struck me as weird but I'm told that plenty of Americans use PO boxes for their mail. I don't know what to think... other than that I must reply. I feel like Bill Pullman in Lost Highway, being sent clips of my life by an unknown observer. If I'm honest I'm quite enjoying it, which is another reason why I have to reply- it's fun getting letters from fuck-knows-who and I want another one.

Any ideas, anyone? What might this mean?

Benoit.

2007-06-26T15:16:00.000+01:00

Over the weekend the massively talented and well-respected WWE performer Chris Benoit apparently murdered his wife and child of seven years of age, then killed himself on the Monday. Details such as motive or murder weapon haven't been released as yet, but according to Fayette County District Attorney Scott Ballard...
"The details when they come out are going to prove a little bizarre."

Obese Racist Dies.

2007-06-18T17:21:00.000+01:00

Expect to see a lot of "Racist? Naaah mate! 'Ee was the salt o' the Earth, loved 'his old muvvah 'e did" bullshit over the next day or so. Don't buy a bit of it. You don't spend fifty years of your life making racist jokes on stage and screen unless you're a total, dyed-in-the-wool cunt. Let's have a look at him being made a twat of- among others- on Brass Eye.

"One young kiddie on Cake... cried all the water out of his body. Just imagine how 'is mother felt. It's a fookin' disgrace".

Last Bit of Sham-Dram Nonsense For a While...

2007-06-12T18:42:00.000+01:00

... I promise. The following are from the Gwent Gazette dated 12/06/2007- apologies for the rubbish quality, newsprint doesn't scan too well (click for full-size):

Slow and Echoing Hand-Clap

2007-06-02T11:27:00.000+01:00

From digitalspy:

"A reality TV show which claimed that it would follow three young patients competing to win a kidney transplant has been revealed as a hoax.

The Big Donor Show - created by Big Brother producers Endemol - sparked outrage when it was announced by Dutch network BNN. The public was led to believe that the show would centre on a dying woman choosing a recipient for her kidneys.

However, Endemol have now announced that the programme was a hoax intended to create awareness of the shortage of donors in the Netherlands. While the show's "terminally-ill patient" was in fact a healthy actress, the three contestants are genuinely in need of transplants. All three were aware of the programme's true nature."

Okay, I got hoaxed. But it backs my point up completely that so many fell for this- in a world this fucked-up it sounds totally acceptable.

Theatre Pics.

2007-05-29T12:21:00.000+01:00

Here we go then, some pics. Nothing of any real worth, sorry, but I do love the atmosphere of a working theatre- I've always been about process rather than product, and I hope these give a flavour of that process. Click 'em for full-size, as always.

The empty stage, there- Peter Brook would be proud.

I don't know- I've been performing now for eighteen-odd years, and I still find the theatre so much more interesting when there's no audience in it.

It's All Coming True.

2007-05-29T11:19:00.000+01:00

Presenting The Big Donor Show, a reality-television special airing this Friday night in Holland where a cancer victim will choose which of three kidney-disease sufferers will inherit her kidneys after her inevitable death. The selection process will involve video diaries from the three hopefuls, conversations with their friends and families and, best of all, "viewers will vote by text to urge her who to choose after the videos... have been broadcast" (article here).

A decade ago, this sort of thing was what alternative comedy was made of- We've all seen The Day Today, one can imagine this win-a-kidney gameshow being hosted by Chris Morris in his meth-head Paxman guise, but it's totally real, and produced by (who else?) Endemol, Big Brother fans.

Keep in mind that every "TWAT #2 2 WIN LOL VIKI IN DRBY XXX" text that scrolls across the bottom of the screen during the new series is helping to fund television in which death and disease are boiled and sifted to make a televisual gruel on which CUNTS GROW FATTER AND MORE STUPID, and in which you're not texting to evict some dead-eyed no-mark, but to save an actual disease-ravaged human life.

Whatever next, eh? Anyone for Monkey Tennis?

The Best Day of My Life.

2007-05-28T15:07:00.000+01:00

It seems like it takes a lot to get me blogging these days- there are loads of photos from the show I need to put up, as well as lots of news from work and such. I've got tickets to a talk by Armando Iannucci next weekend at the Hay Festival, which I'm ecstatic about, but really I'm here to talk about today.

The best day of my life.

I could give you the full preamble, but the bottom line is that I JUST SAW AND SPOKE TO CJ DE MOOI OFF "EGGHEADS" WHILE WALKING THROUGH ABERGAVENNY.

I Believe in Harvey Dent.

2007-05-18T00:55:00.000+01:00

Exactly how fucking cool is that?

EDIT- NOT AS FUCKING COOL AS THIS:

AWESOME RECORD ALERT.

2007-05-17T13:16:00.000+01:00

Enter Shikari are currently providing the soundtrack to my life. "Take to the Skies" is the finest album I've heard in a long, long time, even beating the brilliant new release from NIN in the "play it through then start it again" stakes. High-energy synth behind roaring yet melodic and lyrical metal. This band sound like they're channeling Faith No More at their finest- yup, they're that fucking good.

What a Cool Week.

2007-05-16T01:42:00.000+01:00

I'm having a good one, I really am. Yes, this isn't the most scintillating website at the mo, but y'know. Fuck off.

Opening Night Tomorrow...

2007-05-14T00:38:00.000+01:00

... and that's all I really want to say about that. Terrified, adrenalised, all that madness.

The Internet Reckons I Look Like Spider-Man.

2007-04-25T15:20:00.000+01:00

Go on, have a crack at the myheritage.com facial recognition profiler.

It's great for listing celebs who look fuck-all like you.

When Graphic Design Attacks!

2007-04-23T21:55:00.000+01:00

The poster for All 4 One, then:

(click for full-size)

So bad that the first time I saw it my eyes literally bled*.

*not literally.

Richard McBeef

2007-04-18T13:13:00.000+01:00

I'm sure that this is the ten thousandth blog to mention this today, but being a Drama teacher I couldn't not. The good ol' Smoking Gun has unearthed and published the manuscript of a one-act play by Cho Seung-Hui, the face of evil* and the loner* responsible for Mondays atrocity at Virginia Tech campus.

The play is called Richard McBeef, and it has become my dream to bring it to the stage- I think it's exactly what the Gwent am-dram scene is crying out for.

*copyright ITN news.

There Are No Answers...

2007-04-17T15:27:00.001+01:00

... and the sooner you stop looking for them, the sooner you can understand and appreciate the world on it's own terms. I believe that there was a time when there were answers, but back then we didn't know that we'd ever need to ask such difficult questions, so we let things slide. I love to dream of alternate realities splintering from our own, worlds where there is a point and a purpose and the difficult questions didn't have to be asked because way back when it counted, someone somewhere did the right fucking thing. If that other place exists, then it's a comfort to me- but that place is not this place. In this place we've gone too far, and there's simply no way back.

Okay! Hi all! Things are very fucking hectic here indeed- so, right? Last week, with just five weeks to go until curtain up, our lead fucking actor walked out. Upshot? I have to start from scratch learning the lead role for a show which starts now in just under four weeks time. Another actor whom none of the cast has ever even fucking met also has to step in to learn and perform my old role. This is sham-dram at it's finest, folks.

My work situation is worrying me a little, too- there's an interesting offer on the table from the LEA regarding work as a home tutor, but I just don't know where to hedge my bets for the long-term prospects. Gah.

Let's see, the bright side, the bright side... a new series of Peep Show, Xbox Live, Year Zero, a night with Gavo, wedding plans coming together, discovering how easy it is to give up smoking, the interwebs... see, on the small-scale it's a pretty beautiful life, but when the camera pulls back to show the bigger picture then it turns into fucking Babylon. Just spend fifteen minutes at foxnews.com, you'll see what I'm saying.

Oh and by the fucking way, regarding the worst shooting in American history which occurred yesterday- if you really want to bring the loss home to yourself, don't bother with the newspapers and television reports. Look up each victim's myspace and read the tributes being written by friends and loved ones. That's Tragedywang. And Marilyn Manson has a new album coming up- eh? EH? Coincidence?*

*No, it isn't. BLAME MANSON.

A Delightful Easter in Oxford

2007-04-09T11:32:00.000+01:00

One More Reason to Love Lynch.

2007-04-03T18:50:00.000+01:00

"... Then I Shall Blog in the Shade".

2007-03-26T11:27:00.000+01:00

First and foremost a big "welcome" to my new niece Chloe, and gigantic congratulations to her Mam and Dad, my brother Alan and his wife Lyndsey. I've always sort of thought that all babies look the same regardless of gender, but I'm taken aback by just how lovely she is- all perfect-looking and little and wrinkly and confused by everything.

Excellent work.

School continues to be constant and fulfilling, wedding plans are continuing apace and the only thing that's really worrying me at the mo is the ever-creeping-closer opening date of All 4 One. The local paper is plugging it (click) and tickets have started selling... but it feels like we're really badly behind schedule. There's nothing worse than an underprepared performance, it's like eating half-cooked food or reading an unfinished book, it just disappoints and makes everyone involved look like a dick. There is still a month and a half to go though, so I won't shit it just yet.

Let's see... was able to have a typically messed-up night with Rob J and Kara last weekend- Big thanks to the former for the Gwar souvenirs (sorry I missed it, dude) and to the both of them for the stunning drinking-game bruise.

That's it for now- very much looking forward to 300 and TMNT this week.

To finish off, let's have a SophieFact-

"During the last year Sophie’s been listening to lots of Goldfrapp, Turin Brakes, Streets, Human League, Prince, and Heart FM".

Ooh!

Before I go, regarding the Cash Money E-Mail Experiment- No responses yet, although I'm still plugging away. I've gotten through quite a bit of marked cash by now, but it's all been in my home town or thereabouts. I've got a plan in mind to widen the distribution area a little, more in the next update. My legal advisors (i.e Laura) are advising me against continuing, what with the technical illegality of marking banknotes, but I really can't see the web police or interpol launching a sting operation on me, particularly not with Pete Townshend still at large.

Mark.

All's Right With the Internet Once More...

2007-03-22T23:19:00.000Z

... as Harri returns!

Ooh, I Know...

2007-03-22T16:25:00.000Z

... let's have a picture of Sophie Ellis-Bextor:

There's lovely.

Right, big update over the weekend- loads has happened but I've got literally NO TIME RIGHT NOW.

The Cash Money E-Mail Experiment.

2007-03-10T01:24:00.000Z

If you saw an e-mail address hand-written on a banknote in your possession, what would you do?

I know what I'd do. I'd mail the fucker. I think lots of other people would too, and with that in mind I'm scrawling my hotmail address on any banknotes that come my way...

...and crossing my fingers that I get something interesting. Any and all responses will be posted here, naturally.

As an interesting aside, when I tried to open the above image in my usual photo program I got this:

... which at first made me reach for my tinfoil hat, worried that tsar Blair was controlling my computer via radio-waves in my fillings. A quick Google, however, taught me about something called the EURion Constellation, a pattern of dots on every banknote that's recognised by commercial printers and scanners, which triggers their blocking mechanisms to prevent counterfeiting- here it is:

That pattern of dots is hidden on every banknote- on the £20 it's disguised as musical notes. If you are considering chancing your arm at counterfeiting though, don't worry too much- there are tutorials all over the place on how to crack the fucker.

I learned something today. I hope you did, too.

No-one Likes a Smartarse.

2007-02-28T17:01:00.000Z

Have that, ASIMO.

I love the cameraman at the end- "A-haha! Robo-san, he ferrovah!"

Squashed Tomatoes and Stew.

2007-02-21T01:13:00.000Z

It's this blog's second birthday today.
Anyone who's ever left a comment, anyone who's chuckled, tutted, cursed or yawned at this site, you have my thanks. It feels as though shitloads has happened since 21/02/2005, but looking through the archive I suppose I must've either imagined it or not been arsed to write about it. My patch of internet continues to serve it's purpose though, so I can't see myself packing it in yet. Here's to the next birthday!

Girls Playing Video Games.

2007-02-19T22:43:00.000Z

Such grace.

My favourite bit happens toward the end of the clip when one of them- probably Charlie, closest to camera- mutters "fucking bitch" under her breath. Classy.

I Don't Ask For Much.

2007-02-13T16:10:00.000Z

Someone please buy me this please. And be quick, there's only two days to go. Let me know when you've got it, just leave a comment.

Cheers, nice one.

EDIT: Cuh, thanks a lot for NOTHING.

Learning Lines.

2007-02-12T16:51:00.000Z

Hahaha, it really makes me laugh when I think about how shit I am at learning lines. Seriously, I'm awful at it. Really, truly dire. I'm laughing right now at just how shitty my line-learning skills are. Do you want some lines learned? Best look elsewhere, pal. Nah, seriously, I'm awful.

I've been looking for an excuse for ages to post a pic of Princess Di. Apropos of absolutely nothing, here is that picture:

Let us pray.

"O Princess of Hearts, lovely Lady Di, please shine your holy light on me from heaven and give me the strength to learn my lines, sweet sweet Lady Di, O scourge of landmines and curer of AIDS, O media-shy reluctant celebrity (DAMN those paparazzi DAMN THEM), please look to little Marko and help him in his hour of need".

That should sort it.

One More Angel in Heaven.

2007-02-09T08:43:00.001Z

Snow Days 2007

2007-02-08T07:53:00.000Z

"Fuck" I thought to myself just over an hour ago, "they weren't lying on the news, for a change. It's snowy as fuck out there".
Despite all the tales I've been told of my current headteacher being a non-school-closing kind of dude, school has succumbed and I get to spend the day in Hyrule breaking in to the new Zelda. Sweet as you like.
Here's the obligatory pic of Snow Day 2007- it's exactly the same as the pic from this time last year, which is either comforting or depressing, can't tell which yet.

EDIT: Wooooargh, Day II! Woke up at 06:45, snow started at around 07:00, just got another call to say school's closed AGAIN. I probably won't feel this pleased at the end of next month but for now, fuck it, four-day weekend!!

Christmas Arrives, Finally.

2007-02-04T15:20:00.000Z

As you can see, I've got my Wii at last, and it's great. It's all thanks to my brother who saw some stock in Toys R Us and grabbed one for me.

Bit of a lovely weekend, actually- went to Bristol and had a session with Kara, Rob J and co, then got home to Wario Ware! Very nice. The only downside is that boxing doesn't half make your bloody arms ache, and that Laura keeps beating me.

"Schoolyard Penis Seen From Space"

2007-02-01T15:42:00.000Z

From The Guardian:

"Two pupils who drew a giant penis on a school lawn using weed killer two years ago can still admire their work from satellite photos now posted on the internet.

Despite the school re-seeding the area, the penis has turned up on satellite image search engines because a photo was taken before the new grass could conceal the appendage".

Good work, lads!

On Parent's Evenings, Sleep Medication and a Right Cunt of a Cold.

2007-01-31T20:47:00.000Z

Well, this is certainly turning into one of those weeks- despite my being in a lowly long-term cover position I've been following a policy of making myself as useful to the school as possible so when THE POSITION shows up, whenever that happens, I can be seen as an attractive prospect for them. With that in mind, this week I took part- voluntarily, mind- in my first parent's evening, chatting to families of my year ten pupils about their progress. Most of the families were fucking rednecks but they seemed pleased enough to have someone talking to them being as how the regular teacher is still off sick- I'd love to say more about why, but I really fucking really can't.
Anyway, what else? Well, since just after Christmas, right, I've been having this crazy-ass bout of insomnia. It's not the first time, but it's certainly the worst. I've been unable to sleep before 0300 or 0400, with my mind spinning and random, out-of-context phrases or words looping in my head, basically driving my ass fucking insane- I get up at half six, so I needs me my sleeps. Last week I went to the GP, and after doing her level best to diagnose depression (which she couldn't, as there is none) she elected to sort me with a week's worth of Zopiclone, AKA Zimovane. I've been prescribed this before in my late teens, but I don't remember the side effects being this intense- each night I've taken it I've been having vivid-as-fuck dreams, some of which have been quite nasty. Over the weekend I was in some Resident Evil III-type situation, only I remember being in a barn with a dead dog and I kept stabbing the fuck out if it with a pitchfork, really mashing it up even though I was aware of what I was doing and how crazy it was. They also give me a bit of an aftermong until about mid-morning the following day... add that to the utter gypsy CUNT of a cold I've come down with today, and it feels as though my skull has been stuffed with asbestos fibres- my sinuses are itchy and enflamed, I'm sneezing constantly, my nose is all scabby and I'm basically a bit of a drooling mongoloid right now. Wait, wait, I can't say "mongoloid", I mean I'm a drooling 'tard. No, not 'tard, spacker. Shit, sorry, I mean... look, I'm all over the shop. My head of department told me to go home this lunchtime, but I clung on until the end of school and added before I left that I'm taking tomorrow off if I still feel rough- I do, so on the bright side I'm having a fucking sick day tomorrow.

Well, that was an ill-thought out and poorly written rant. Don't blame me, it's the drugs.

"She Got A Big Face!"

2007-01-25T23:14:00.001Z

A totally untouched pic here of Jo O'Meara from the current Celebrity Big Brother:

The Return of Bauer Hour.

2007-01-23T22:25:00.000Z

Looking back through the archive, during the last series of 24 I note that every other post here was about how brilliant it was and how it was blowing my mind etc etc- I won't be doing the same this year as I realise how boring it must have been to read. I'll just say that the sixth season has now started in earnest, and five episodes in it's as shockingly good as ever.

What did I do before BitTorrent?

EDIT: I hate myself, but this made me laugh a lot.

EDIT AGAIN: Okay, this is the last mention of 24, I promise- this site has also been making me chuckle lots since the beginning of the new season.

Roll Up! Roll Up!

2007-01-19T16:40:00.000Z

Haven't shown a decent accident of nature for ages, so feast your eyes on this poor fucker from LiveLeak.com:

Baby Born with Brain Outside Skull
A baby boy was born with a cleft palate and brain outside his skull in a maternity hospital in the southeastern Turkey recently. His parents have had trouble getting medical treatment due to a lack of local specialists.

HELL FREEZES OVER.

2007-01-17T16:13:00.000Z

From www.thedigitalbits.com:

"Paramount has officially set Twin Peaks: The Second Season for release on 4/10".

Fucking hell, finally! The first season has only been sat on my shelf for something like six years. Still, better late than etc.

BURN YOUR TELEVISION.

2007-01-16T15:55:00.000Z

I reached a conclusion today. Ready?

The power to imagine is dying.

I teach Drama, a subject that thrives on creative input from pupils. I make sure that the environment is one in which pupils can feel safe from ridicule and judgement, and I do my best to keep lessons lively- music, moving images, I try to fucking well keep it dynamic, but the time has to come where the pupil takes over and infuses their work with something of themselves. All the fuckers can do is rip off shit catchphrase comedy ("Eh-eh-ehhh!"), try to act the gangsta, or mug like pricks to get easy laughs.

Until I teach a class where the pupils can take a suggestion and run with it, can explore an inner world that doesn't come from a screen and can relate to each other in original terms without relying on pop-culture, then I'll stand by my assertion that the imagination is dying- each kid that gets a plasma screen in their bedroom forgets how to switch on the screen inside, where all the really good programmes are on. I'm speaking in broad terms, I know, but I love having the power of abstract thought and I don't want to see a generation without it.

Anyway, in other news, I'm actually going to see GWAR.

Some Tool Goodness.

2007-01-04T15:39:00.000Z

Someone's phone-cammed and Youtubed a piece of the Tool concert I was at from November!

Cardiff International Arena, 30/11/06

The fucking sound-guy was all over the shop, eh? I didn't remember that, being wrecked and all.

Happy New Year, Everyone.

2007-01-01T01:50:00.000Z

On the Execution of Saddam Hussein.

2006-12-30T08:37:00.000Z

What's fascinating me now isn't the actual act itself- I've always been against capital punishment, but I'm sensible enough to know that my views are so far removed from the circumstance that they have no bearing on it at all. What I'm looking forward to more than anything is watching the media showing their hand- coverage is going to "play out" over the next few days. A perfect example of what I mean has arisen immediately- the following charming graphic is from the current front page of www.foxnews.com (slogan- "We Report, You Decide):

Massive red font, bones in the background, Saddam looking for all the world like he's been caught red-handed skull-fucking the corpse of Gerald Ford... real, old-school propaganda. This sort of reporting takes all the stress away for people without opinions- "here's a viewpoint, it's perfect for you! It's ours, sure, but you can use it. Go on, look at the dramatic font and the skulls AND SPOUT OUR AGENDA AS YOUR OWN, FLESHBAGS".

I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas by the way, Laura and I certainly did. I'll try to avoid posting while slaughtered tomorrow night, but I can't promise anything.

School's Out!

2006-12-22T13:15:00.000Z

That was an absolutely lovely term- it's one of those schools where even the twats are nice enough, really. I got talked into singing at the Christmas concert, got some nice cards and a box of chocs from some staff and pupils... it's generally a nice school, and I really hope I can work there again.

And Blaenau Gwent pay bloody well, too.

Christmas: CANCELLED.

2006-12-19T21:25:00.000Z

Click to feel my pain.

Novelty "Magic Christmas Tree" Item.

2006-12-16T16:47:00.000Z

"Grows in Five Hours".

Before:

After:

Hm, Serial Killers.

2006-12-12T19:47:00.000Z

I feel as though I want to post something about this, but all that's really coming to me is my usual no-good lowbrow wittering, so I'll leave it.

"If you don't have anything good to say..." etc.

EDIT: Regrettably, Littlejohn didn't follow my example. Prick.

OMG TORCHWOOD LOL

2006-12-05T16:22:00.000Z

From samadriel over at CaB:

Click for full-size

Everyone's Seen This by Now...

2006-12-03T16:44:00.000Z

... but here's the superb "How to Tell When a Relationship is Over in Ninety Seconds."

Julian Barrett's fantastic with the ol' "facial acting"- that character has hardly any lines but you can still feel the pain.

TOOL

2006-12-01T01:10:00.000Z

Fuck. Seriously, what a fantastic gig. My biggest concern now is how I'll be able to get up and about in five hours time to teach properly. Photos over the weekend. Trust me, it was absolutely fucking brilliant.

EDIT: Okay, here are some pics. They're all a bit shit I'm afraid, mainly because the event staff were shining really harsh Mag-Lites at people they saw with cameras out, to fuck up their pictures (at the band's request, cunts) so all pics had to be sans flash. Plus it was hectic with the jumping about and the metal and the booze etc.

Anyway, click for bigger versions as always:

Had Some Bad Sushi Earlier.

2006-11-26T23:02:00.001Z

Found Shopping List.

2006-11-26T15:11:00.000Z

Only interesting in that it's written on special "Shopping List" stationary, which I think is a lovely touch. Although, the scribbling and jagged pen-slashes at the bottom make it look like the work of an unpredictable, violent maniac. Who loves kittens (click for full-size).

In other news, school last week was a lot of fun. I've got a bit of planning to do tonight as I know I'm there for a month and I don't want to be making each lesson up as I go along. A week off rehearsals too, which'll be lovely.

I hate Sundays.

Friday Night.

2006-11-26T13:10:00.000Z

Had a lovely evening- was invited to Bristol to a party at Kara's new place. Caught up with her, Rob J, met the lovely Mel, saw Ben and Jen and got shitfaced. A lovely spur-of-the-moment night.

WOW!

2006-11-26T12:50:00.001Z

Finally, a nice bit of Who spoilage!

Spoiler-boy warns you that this clip contains spoilers.
Spoiler-boy finds this spoiler delicious, and returns to his cave, sated and fat.

INTERNET EXCLUSIVE.

2006-11-22T21:42:00.001Z

Here we go, folks. The first picture anywhere...

... of Dicktanian and the Three Jerketeers.

This one's going to be a turkey.

I Don't Generalise...

2006-11-22T15:59:00.001Z

... So I'm not going to say "the American military are all a bunch of pricks". But still...

An American soldier there, wondering aloud why he's not authorised to shoot children for throwing rocks at his armoured vehile.

Also...

Winning hearts and minds the whole world over.

In other news- I've got the next four week's teaching sorted at a comprehensive school right on my doorstep, teaching Drama. Very pleased indeed.

George and Lynne #3

2006-11-17T23:56:00.000Z

Click for full-size

I'll be wrapping this up soon, promise.

Music!

2006-11-17T18:14:00.001Z

It's been a great few days for music- A new album coming up from Brand New, a three-disc bastard of an album from Tom Waits and live recordings from Foo Fighters and the mighty Rammstein. Needless to say I have purchased all these at retail price, from a licensed vendor of copyrighted products.

Teaching at Pen-Y-Dre Today...

2006-11-16T16:04:00.000Z

... and it's as mad as ever. One kid turned up to school on a horse, and I got this gem from a year-ten pupil:

"Sir, I know a girl in year nine with chlamydia! That's fucking mad that is Sir, fourteen and you got chlamydia!"

This is all fodder for the novel which I'll probably never write.

George and Lynn #2

2006-11-13T19:14:00.000Z

Click for full-size

George and Lynn #1

2006-11-12T01:02:00.000Z

Click for full-size.

ARMED ROBBERY!

2006-11-08T11:20:00.000Z

Wow, breaking news- about half an hour ago there was an armed robbery at the Natwest in town, about three minutes walk from where I type this:

Click for bigger version
They had a shooter and everything. I'm getting my arse down there with my camera RIGHT NOW, back later with pics.

We take you live now to BBC News 24 in London:

"...I'm now being told we can go live to the scene, Mark, can you give us some idea of the mood there?"

"Thanks Mark, there's certainly one word that sums up the atmosphere in the air here after this morning's terrible incident, and that word is bored as fuck. As you can see we've got one police officer on the scene, and his duties so far have included chatting with passers-by, yawning, and playing with what we believe to be his own bollocks. We've had word from an insider who reports that although a live firearm was used in the attack, no shots were fired and the perpetrator has already been apprehended. Reports that the robber wore a black-and-white-striped top and black eye-mask have been dismissed as 'lazy stereotyping'. Back to the studio".

Can't Wait!

2006-10-31T11:49:00.000Z

I haven't been to a gig in absolutely ages- all year in fact. The last decent live act I saw was Sage Francis in Amsterdam over a year ago, so I can't wait for TOOL at the end of next month. A week or two after that I've got Mitchell and Webb to look forward to as well, so a few treats coming up.

Sexy Mustard!

2006-10-30T00:13:00.000Z

I'm only posting this because I laughed so much I don't want to forget the link, and it's topical, what with the time of year and all. Hope you laugh.

"Pass".

2006-10-29T20:43:00.000Z

Evil Dead: The Musical.

2006-10-27T23:19:00.000+01:00

I've always been a gigantic horror freak. One of the earliest film memories I have is sitting with my nose practically squeezed against the T.V screen, watching a grainy and washed-out pirate VHS copy of The Evil Dead and having my mind blown to pieces by the crazy intensity and viscera. A few years later the sequel did the same, but my slightly-more mature mind was able to appreciate the slapstick and roll with the humour. I wasn't the only one- the two Evil Deads (and to a lesser extent the threequel, Army of Darkness) are hugely-beloved cult classics. When you meet someone new, it's usual to ask about favourite films- take it from me, if someone mentions Evil Dead, they're good people.
The first film is now twenty-five years old. The musical is clearly being produced by people like me who grew up as fans, with fanatical love for the source material. Each review I've read has gushed praise over it like foamy blood from a trapdoor. It feels to me like it could be a new Little Shop of Horrors- I think I've made my point. Just let it suffice to say: if this ever makes it's way to the UK, I will take a chainsaw to anything that gets in the way of my getting a ticket.

Someone I Know's Just Been on the Telly!

2006-10-23T02:31:00.000+01:00

Those who know me well will know that about ten years ago I was in a short one-off drugs awareness-type drama on BBC1 Wales called Knucklehead. About halfway through tonight's premiere of Torchwood on BBC3, I realised where I recognised the fella playing Ianto Jones from:

Small world, eh?

Regarding Torchwood, I think it has a lot of potential but a lot of flaws. The most interesting character was Cardiff- it looked absolutely stunning, more so for not having to pretend to be London. Obviously I'll be watching the rest regardless, but I hope they can show a bit of restraint with the script- we already know that Captain Jack's an omnisexual intergalactic fuck-machine, there's no need to lay on the "ooh missus" asides every other line. I'd also like more gore, but then I'd like more gore in everything.

G'night!

I've Just Been on the Telly!

2006-10-22T20:43:00.000+01:00

Remeber that Mastermind Cymru taping I went to over the summer? No? Well, whatever. The first episode is on now, and you can totally see me in the audience, which means you'll be able to next week as well.

Awesome.

My Bad New Hobby:

2006-10-20T15:27:00.000+01:00

INTERNET LIES. I'm on Soulseek earlier, right, and someone starts downloading the new My Chemical Romance album from me, and, being bored, I decided to start a string of lies to see what they'd believe. Even I was shocked. Click to see the deceit.

Everything's cool with me- had to go for another Criminal Records Board check earlier in the week, I suppose they want to be certain I haven't raped anyone in the six months since my last one. Still, when that comes back according to my contact I can start work straight away. I've been doing some more temping in Laura's office, I'm considering a week or two at the call centre, I'm off to Devon tomorrow to attend the wedding of an old colleague- hope everyone's well!

One Review.

2006-10-04T22:49:00.000+01:00

One measly bloody review- and what a wonderful piece of journalism it is. Click it if you actually want to read it. Audrey Jones of the Gwent Gazette- you're a boring old cunt.

EDIT: That's a bit harsh, I know, but she's hardly Hunter S. Thompson, is she?

Heads Up!

2006-10-03T00:24:00.000+01:00

Torchwood teasers are popping up regularly on BBC1 now- nothing much to report, just one-second flashes of the logo with a crackly electricity-style sound effect. I'd advise staying tuned after Eastenders tomorrow night (03/10/06).

Or clicking below : )

Not long now, then.

I Met Girls Aloud Today!

2006-09-26T13:30:00.000+01:00

Well, when I say "met", I mean "insulted over a live web chat".
Posing as "Sharon from Cardiff".

... and at that point I was kicked off : (

Myspace.com

2006-09-25T23:34:00.000+01:00

Honestly, I'm not deluded enough to think that railing against myspace.com is in any way edgy or hip- for the record, I think the myspace-type social networking trend is, in essence a good thing, but the people... must the people wreck everything*?

Pout. Head cocked askance. Practiced, identikit deep-and-meaningful look into the webcam. Username that's so kooky, anyone reading it will instantly go clinically batshit-insane. A profile of interests so studied and considered that the desperation leaps off the screen and down your throat. It's narcissism on a fanatical scale- a yearning to appear individual and fascinating, on an identical form being filled in by millions and millions of other identically unique and rare individual wankers. Find me a myspace profile which doesn't feature these traits, and I will personally leave the author a heartfelt message of thanks and congratulation*. Conversely, if you think I'm wrong, let me know why.

"But Mark, how is your blog so different to all that, you hypocritical prick?"

I'm not clamouring for a longer list of friends, I'm not trying to squeeze myself in to any scene in particular, there's no attempt to look sexier, cooler, deeper or more obscure than thou. This is myspace for me as opposed to a window I can stand in to try and woo passers by with my haircut and excellent taste.

Fuck it, I've dried up.

Myspace.com, yesterday.

*If you're a band or a solo artiste trying to get free publicity for your work then I understand, and you can consider yourself off the shit-list. Also if you work in the sex industry, go in peace.

The Final Curtain...

2006-09-25T01:05:00.000+01:00

... went down last night, and I found myself really pleased with how the whole thing went. It was a hard week- I've got myself a temping job in an office (more on the work sitch in a bit) so I've been nine-to-fiving it then hauling ass to the theatre, plastering on minging greasepaint, taping mic leads all over my hairy self and baking under hot lights for three hours, so by the end of each night I've been wrecked- last night though was really euphoric. An enthusiastic audience and a truly pumped cast made it a really special night. Massive thanks to everyone who came to see it over the week- Laura and family, my brother and sister-in-law, Sianni and Ross (a pleasure, Sir), Tre, Sam and everyone else I haven't mentioned. I hope it went down well.
On Wednesday night a face from my past was in the crowd- an old friend from a show ten years ago who's now a Drama teacher at the school where I failed an English interview a few months back. She was very complimentary about my performance and expressed relief that I didn't get the English job- according to her there'll be an opening in her Drama department soon, and she recommended I apply. Of course I'll do just that, but I won't get excited at this point as I've been disappointed by word-of-mouth before.
Now I have to ponder whether or not i want to get involved in the next show. I can say after the event that it's been lovely, but the long rehearsal process and the fatigue of the performance week were a major pain in the anal canal. I'll have a think about it this week- the decision has a lot to do with what the next show is going to be. I was pleased to be involved in Titanic as it wasn't a show I'd seen before- I'll be less eager to get involved if the company intend trotting out some tired ten-a-penny piece of shite next.

Anyway, it was lovely. Some fantastic backstage memories: whiskey, applause, half-time cigarettes, light shining through dust, panic, frozen seconds, campness, new friends, obscene photographs, all good. Everyone involved had to write their own entry for the programme, so I thought I'd post mine, if you're interested. Give it a click for the legible version.

Be Thee Well.
x

Rosenrot, O Rosenrot.

2006-09-15T01:21:00.000+01:00

Unemployment is fucking painful. Driving lessons and bills everywhere. It'll be fine, I'm sure- I'm applying for jobs all over the place. If all else fails there's always the call-centre for a while.

SECURITY ISSUE AT SKYWALKER RANCH

2006-09-11T13:11:00.000+01:00

Full story here

There's One Word on Everyone's Lips Today.

2006-09-04T09:41:00.000+01:00

And it's "Crikey"!

Should've kept it on dry land, Steve.

Let's Laugh at the Stupidity of Others!

2006-09-03T01:16:00.000+01:00

I found this discarded shopping list in the supermarket earlier. Go on, click on it, it's brilliant.

1.) MOOSE? You can't buy a Moose in Tesco. In fact, I don't think you can find a Moose in any supermarket, although I haven't tried Aldi in a while.
2.) What the frig is "backlunch"?
3.) Baby food? Oh Christ, it's got a child.
4.) Camel? Cemal? Carel? Fuck knows.

I also particularly enjoy the way the author reminds him/herself of the amount of lightbulbs he/she needs- "10 of them". Lovely.

Yes, I know it's very poor to laugh at the idiots, but Laura and I took the "Test the Nation" I.Q test tonight, and we both did okay although she beat my 115 with her very clever 127 mutter mumble curse.

I Never Learn.

2006-09-01T12:30:00.000+01:00

I'd like someone to make a Firefox extension that detects whether or not the user has drunk two bottles of wine, then stops them from posting on their blog if it reads "positive".

ONE MEAL PER DAY

2006-09-01T04:18:00.000+01:00

COME ON YOU CUNTS
LET'S HAVE SOME APHEX ACID

Press Coverage

2006-08-31T16:54:00.000+01:00

The above article is taken from the Gwent Gazette dated 24/08/06. Click for a bigger, readable version, and hey- how's that for a tasteful headline?

Three Weeks Tonight...

2006-08-29T23:28:00.000+01:00

... is Brown Trousers night. Seriously, I'm shitting it. The songs are all out of my range and I haven't learned my lines- nothing new there then, eh? Apparently tickets are going really well and we should have a sell-out, which is good news. After all, the only thing worse than turning in a second-rate performance is turning in a second-rate performance to a half-empty theatre, so at least I'll be fucking it up in front of a healthy crowd. Book now for the sham-dram experience of a lifetime!

Got Engaged.

2006-08-29T08:46:00.000+01:00

Skrit Skrit

2006-08-26T00:33:00.000+01:00

I'm just sort of shaking my head and wondering about this fella, not sure what to make of him. A survivor of some sort of Ichthyosis? Fuck knows. This blog is becoming less about my life and more about me scratching my head wondering what's afflicting others. I'd say "burn victim", but the eyes... Anyway, my life. It was the beautiful Laura's birthday this past weekend, and we celebrated with a day out at one of Britain's most awesome theme-park-cum-animal-sanctuaries, Chessington World of Adventures. A few of the rides were fucked so the theme-park aspect was shit, but we did see some really cool animals, the best of which was the Capybara, world's largest rodent- and look at him, he's fucking massive. That's the sort of rodent you don't want to see sniffing around your bins, he'd chew your fucking arm off. Unless of course you lived in a well-known Capybara area, in which case you wouldn't even be checking your bins without some sort of recoil-free firearm. Can you tell my heart's not in this post somehow? I sure can. Driving lesson yesterday, I'm getting better. Missed a few Titanic rehearsals what with Laura's birthday and whatever, my dicky back's been playing up a bit. Moan, moan, moan, fuck, I bore myself sometimes. I was planning something special for Laura's birthday, but it didn't quite happen- it will, and I'll keep you posted.

(Harri are you okay, Harri are you okay, are you okay Harri?)

Wii vs PS3 Spoof

2006-08-18T13:39:00.000+01:00

This exactly sums up why I'm really looking forward to owning the new Nintendo console. Cheap and fun.

I Hate Being Away!

2006-08-18T04:32:00.000+01:00

Because I've only just noticed this:

I don't like the plain blue suit one little bit. Of course, a lot of that has to do with the fact that I know I could never get away with it like The Doctor will, effortlessly.

Pic from the BBC site, of course.

Summer?

2006-08-18T03:00:00.000+01:00

I just don't know how to start this, and I sure as fuck won't be bothered spellchecking when it's over, so sorry in advance. To begin with, let me tell you about last Thursday. I was supposed to be flying myself out to Amsterdam as I've done each year since the millennium, to shake off the horrors of the year and "get in touch" with myself, but, if you're a UK denizen then you'll know that last week some fucking idiot wanna-be amateur bombsmiths with a ridiculous fucking axe to grind had some other ideas. These "bombers" may or may not have even existed- I don't trust the news, I don't trust what I'm told on screen or in print, I never have, all I know is that some argument I have FUCK ALL to do with has gypped me out of a solid four days of blissful intoxicated partying... fuck, let me set the scene for you. I awoke at 0600 last Thursday and the first thing I see is these cunts on the left, telling me there's been some sort of "mild terror alert", dressing it up in their stupid fucking GMTV safe morning-friendly smile-talk while I'm thinking "ah Christ, delays then", so I set out, I get to the airport with with time to spare (a feat in itself, of which I was proud) to find fucking bedlam. Bedlam and Babylon. People lining up for hour after hour, British humanity in all it's glory, waiting it's turn, dreading the bad news. It was a massive disorganised funeral. Everyone knew they wern't getting where they going, but everyone was too damn British to make a fuss. A classic example of queuing at it's best. Right, bollocks, I'm not going to whinge about my missed holiday anymore because I'm bored of it, and at least I had one or two good nights fuelled out of sheer frustration and anger (hey, maybe it's not your thing, but if you're in Bristol and you're off your mash on ecstasy pipes and you've got nothing better to do, maybe you should enjoy the fifteen-floor superclub that is Oceana. My thanks go to Owen and Captain Crunch, whether they read this or not, for the textual and moral support).

Anyway.
No more moaning.

On to the positive. I've had a few driving lessons, which have been fun. I'm shit thus far, my clutch control is fucking awful and it's entirely my own fault, but at least I'm making up at last for leaving it this late. A big welcome to any newcomers who've posted comments recently, it doesn't go unnoticed. I appreciate any and all feedback, be it red, white, blue or black ; )

Marko
x

FISH WITH HUMAN TEETH

2006-07-20T11:34:00.000+01:00

Full, terrifying story here.

School Stuff

2006-07-12T17:24:00.000+01:00

Interesting article about Pen Y Dre here.

"Hey, Nice Shoes!"

2006-07-09T16:14:00.000+01:00

I had to pop to the supermarket earlier, and outside were two young lads playing about. As I walked past, one of them called to me "Hey, nice shoes"!
That put a big smile on my face, so a big thanks to those two kids and also to Osiris.

How Much Lewis Can The Internets Handle?

2006-07-09T12:24:00.000+01:00

Looks like there's another Lewis with a blog- it's still in it's fledgling stages, but What Up Jarge is up and running. This is a picture of the protagonist enjoying five consecutive pasties.

Dum, Dum-Dum Derrrrrrrrr..... NER-NER!

2006-07-04T20:28:00.000+01:00

That's how the theme tune from "Mastermind" goes. And hey, I should fucking know, because I heard it plenty of times last Saturday. What it is, right, is that I went along to the BBC Cymru studios in Cardiff to see a taping of the all-new Mastermind Cymru- just like the English version except it's in Welsh. Which I don't speak. I went, you see, to cheer on my good friend Huw, who was a contestant- his specialism was the television work of one Alan Partridge, and although he didn't win, he only lost on passes to a freak whose specialism was the Kray twins. I mean, would I be allowed to get on Mastermind with Hindley and Brady as my specialist subject? Or Jeffrey Dahmer, the Milwaukee Cannibal? Probably not. So, I scream "bollocks" and retain Huw as the victor in my eyes. After the taping (which did go on for ages thanks to host Betsan Powys frigging it up all the time, fucking amateur) we headed back to see good ol' Gavo (we being Harri, Sian and I), had a bit of a session and heard all about his trip to Rome. Nice.

In other news, I absolutely fucking hate the following: school, summer, the Earth's sun, the Tesco corporation, that song about the girl who wishes she was a punk rocker with flowers in her hair, having to wait a week for the conclusion to last week's Doctor Who, maggots, stinging nettles, waiting for the summer holidays, and writing school reports.

That is all.

Sigh.

2006-06-28T16:48:00.000+01:00

Nothing eloquent sorry folks, just reporting that I didn't get the job. Again. Starting to feel like a right cunt now.

A Right Cunt, Yesterday

Interview Time Again.

2006-06-24T10:25:00.000+01:00

Tuesday, in a school quite close by. I'll say no more.

Hang on, I haven't told you about "Titanic" yet, have I? Here goes then- I've gone and gotten myself roped into taking a role in a local production of "Titanic- The Musical". First thing to point out is that it has nothing whatsoever to do with Titanic, the 1997 James Cameron film.

I thought my shady musical theatre days were behind me, but I was asked by a teacher in my current school to fill in for someone who'd fallen ill, so I thought I'd do it to raise my profile a bit and to get some favours owed- it can't hurt, I suppose. Well, bollocks actually, it can- the part is quite big and is in the tenor range, which is bloody high for my rumbling, manly voice. Plus it's in the first weeks of September, so I'll have a lot of rehearsing to do over my summer bloody holidays. On the plus side, it's for a company I've performed with before about ten years ago, and everyone's really pleased to see me and is giving it the "ooh haven't you grown" routine, which is putting a smile on my face in spite of myself. Come and see it if you want, it'll be comedy if nothing else.

I'll update following my interview- if you see another short chapter of disjointed fiction you'll know it didn't go well : )

x

("Hiya" to Karen and Sian!)

Thought You Might Like This Picture.

2006-06-23T18:32:00.000+01:00

I love the way it takes the familiar image of Mario's eternal quest and gives it just the tiniest tweak of perspective- a tweak that changes the image into something bleak and, I reckon, quite heartbreaking.

Poor bastard, he does such a fantastic job.
(Click for bigger version)

Okay, Here We Go-

2006-06-11T12:32:00.000+01:00

See, it starts off nice and respectable. New suit, tie, lovely day, all smiles. Then the pints start flowing, the tie comes off and the fun starts. I'm not normally a nationalist, but if you put a few pints in me and surround me with family, an English flag is like a red rag to a bull, so we'll get rid of that, thank you very much. Things get more and more vague after that. I think there was some of the usual horseplay between Big Lew and Me, but all you really need to know is that this is the end result:

A lovely day was had by all.

My Dad's Wedding

2006-06-09T20:56:00.000+01:00

Look, I weent to my Dad's weddngtoday, and I;'ve got lods of pictures,and I'd like to pit them up but I'm too fuckojng wrecked. Tomooroworw I'll put them u[pm aloing with some video, but right now I can';;t be arsed. Sufficew to say I had a reallly nice adfy, Seeyyou tommoreww,

x

Oh Come On Satan You Tedious Cunt.

2006-06-06T16:16:00.000+01:00

Alright, everyone knows that you missed a trick with the Millenium. That would have been an ideal time to rise from your firey pit and overthrow a confused and panicky humanity, but nothing happened. No Millenium Bug, no plague of boils, in fact there was no grand gesture on your part at all.
"Fine", I thought at the time, "he certainly won't miss the really big date coming up in six years or so".
I should've known better. It's now nearly half four on the sixth of the sixth, oh-bloody-six, and it's starting to look like you've stood me up again, you complete prick! I mean, what are you thinking? Have you totally lost your flair for the Grand Guignol? Everyone knows you're slowly winning the battle anyway, what with the decline of the moral standard, the corruption of youth, the war, the murder, the blah blah blah, but come on, couldn't you just this once have said "oh, fuck the long game" and given us a bit of spectacle? I mean, look!

It's like your very own version of the Bat-signal, shining into the midnight sky that is man's damnation, and you can't even be arsed to show your scaly face. Well, I'm almost out of patience. If you don't show up on the ninth of the ninth two thousand and nine, then let me tell you, it's over.

It Won't Always Be This Amateurish. Promise.

2006-05-31T00:15:00.000+01:00

Right- Does the sound work for you?
Is the lyp-synch lined up okay?
Is it a waste of time?

Death Imitating Art?

2006-05-09T22:03:00.000+01:00

The following is quoted from Ogrish.com, dated 09/05/06:

UK Man Dies After Failed Suicide Attempt
A 30-year-old man from Lancashire, UK was killed when a bizarre suicide attempt failed. Anthony Wright tried to kill himself by tying a rope around his neck and to a telephone pole. As he sped off in his Skoda Fabia, the rope snapped causing him to lose control of his vehicle. Wright died when his car crashed into the holiday home of an elderly couple.

Next is a quote from an article written by Chris Morris under the pseudonym Richard Geefe, taken from The Observer dated 04/07/99:

"He told us that the best way to kill yourself was to buy 200 feet of nylon rope, tie one end round your neck, the other round a lamppost, get in your car and floor the accelerator. That's how his uncle had done it. Richard was just nine years old. And he'd been forced to ride in the car to stop it crashing when his uncle's head came off. The blood had made the pedals slippery".