'Bye Tatum!

I wish I had the intellects of Einstein and Hawking combined. I wish I had enough knowledge of physics and space-time to be able to answer the question: "why the fuck is this day dragging so badly"? There's nothing different about today, technically there's nothing's changed about the orbit of the Earth and the working of my chronometer, so why is it only second period when my insides tell me I've been here today for about a fortnight? Oh, wait, that's it- It's the last day of term. On another note, there's been another Drama student here for the last few weeks, and today's her last day so if you read this Tates- I honestly don't think I'd have hacked it these past weeks if you hadn't been around to lift my mood, so thanks for that and I hope the rest of your course goes superbly, which I'm sure it will. Bye!

The abyss gazes also into you.

Oh fuck, all I want to do is QUIT. The only thing I've ANY desire to do right now is to just. Fucking. QUIT. There's less than three weeks of teaching left, but I feel as though I never want to do another day, another lesson. It'd be a terrible and inexcusable shame to pack it in now, when the year is close to being over... But it'd almost be worth it just to be able to let this out in one totally self-destructive way or another. I am on the ground, a twenty-six year old man in front of a keyboard on the verge of tears. I know I'm the melodramatic sort, I know my language is full of hyperbole and I often come across at totally full of shit, but I'm being as cool and unemotional as I can right now and still, my confidence is in tatters, I'm tired, my head is spinning trying to keep track of all the things I'm supposedly shit at and I recieved another refusal letter in the post this morning. There is no incentive, no point, and little future left because if not this, then what? Where now? What the fuck am I going to do? I'm writing this as rhetoric, I'm getting it off my chest, these questions aren't intended to be answered. These are just feelings. This is my page. Turn it if you wish.
EDIT: I've been home for a few hours and I had to add to this post now that I've calmed down and straightened myself out a bit. It's not as bad as all that. I've come up with some changes to the lesson that went so badly today, I've got another application on it's way to me from a school in Bristol, It's the last week of term, things could be a shitload worse. And I am aware of the fact that I'm learning while all this trauma is going on- yes, my mentor isn't shy about letting me know when she think's something's shit, but my planning has improved, I've seen a lot of good teachers at work and I'll be as ready as I'll ever be come September (assuming there's a job and I don't yet fail- as seen above, when people told me about the stress they weren't fucking lying). Anyway, sorry for the rant. I'd delete it, but I don't want to start self-censorship as it goes against the point, don't you think? More tomorrow.

Ch-ch-ch Ha-ha-ha

Friday the 13th, then. Everything was in place for a shitty day at about 0600 this morning- had an assessed lesson fourth period (and we all know how they've been going), woke up feeling like dirt, dreading the lesson. Ironed a shirt, got my ass on the bus, things weren't looking good... But the F13 curse didn't work on ME today, no sir! Not only did the lesson go really well, through email and telephone conversations during the day I've sorted out my holiday to Amsterdam on the 23rd of June! That's like, six weeks away- my good friend Rob J and I (of whom I really must post more) have tickets booked to see the legendary rapper Sage Francis at the motherfuckin' Melkweg on the night of the 23rd, from there we're hoping to bag tickets for the Rockin' Park festival, where we'll see Queens of the Stone Age, Jimmy Eat World and my final, ultimate, dream-ticket band: Nine Inch Nails. Stick it up your bell-end, Jason, this Friday the 13th rocked. By the way, first person to explain the title of this thread wins a fantastic prize.

(NB: No actual prizes will be awarded)

Accidental magic

One of the coolest things about owning a digital camera is the freedom to snap and snap without worrying about print costs. The long and short of it is, if you keep snapping, eventually, totally by accident, you'll catch the most beautiful images without even trying. This is exactly what I mean. I was only twatting around, but that's one of the loveliest pictures I've ever taken.

Hmm.

I'm really fucking really disillusioned today. It seems as though the teacher I'm working with is slating every lesson I take- today, after a lesson I thought had gone really well, my teaching was called "boring" and the lesson I'd put together was ripped apart even though each pupil, from where I was standing (which was in the middle of them, actually teaching the lesson), was well into it- they asked loads of intelligent questions, all performed the task I gave them well, there was no real misbehaviour, I got through my lesson plan okay, only to have the entire thing ripped to shreds afterwards, just like always. Other teachers have commented positively on lessons I've taken, I've had some good results with some difficult groups, but officially I just get ripped up. I can't remember the last good thing she had to say about a lesson I've taken. Way back at the start of this placement, I remember her saying that her last student left really disillusioned and worn down, and I'm starting to see why. It feels like I'm working my tits off for fuck all. On the positive side, congratulations are in order to my brother Alan, who's just achieved QTS after years of learning on-the-job. Nice one, bro.

Moral Dilemna....

Is it right to lie and pretend to be a Catholic when applying for a job at a Catholic School? Would they start hitting me with loads of Christ-centric questioning? Could they sue me if I got the job, then got busted? Is my ticket to hell booked yet? I think I'm going to go for it.

yadiloh knaB

72 hours. Seventeen thousand words. My coursework is complete. The new NIN album is superb. I feel weird. nuf rof sknil kcilC.